autumn in the heart

this week has put a lot of things into perspective.

after spending 6 months in toronto, i returned to norcal in the middle of august. i was eager to enjoy the remaining days of summer with the people i had missed for so long. i also returned with a desire to simplify things and get my health (physically & mentally) back in check. i wanted to adopt a "life is too short to sweat the small stuff" philosophy. after a string of vacations and trips, i returned to work.

over the following 2 weeks, i'd uncovered most of what i'd missed over the previous 6 months through dinners, drinks, brunches, lunches, walks, and talks. i was happy to get some face time after the long hiatus. i relied on things like facebook, twitter, and gchat while in toronto, but it just wasn't the real deal. communication just gets harder and harder as we all get busier and busier. i'm realizing that I need to connect with my friends individually if this is going to last. sometimes, when you hold onto the group, you take for granted the people that make up the group. i know i have, and i know i want to change.

the final days of my summer were filled with work, illness, and a car accident. so much for a summer spectacular...

my heart is so heavy.

and now it's autumn. and it's time to make some resolutions. it's my time to shed some leaves... and i'm ready to let them fall.

i thought coming home would be the fresh start i needed to get my life back on track, but i wanted to fix everything all at the same time. i feel like i've wasted so much time over the years, trying to control things i wasn't supposed to or never had authority to. yeah, i have a controlling nature, but it comes from a need to be secure and know what's coming and where it's coming from.

i can now classify all these issues weighing me down under two categories: things I cannot control and things I can.

the key for right now is focusing on what i can control, and not bothering with what i cannot.

1) work: i can't control what i'm assigned to, but i can make sure i do a damn good job working on it.
on wednesday, i was assigned to a project. YAY! i am really excited to get back into the field. i'll be working in yosemite on a dam retrofit at bass lake. it's just what i need. thank you thank you thank you...

2) health: i can control almost every aspect of my health, aside from the injuries from my car accident
i'm getting back into the gym, limiting junk food and eating out in general, getting sleep, managing work hours/stress, seeing people that make me happy. as for all the post-accident pain, that will take time and patience. i can't make myself heal in a jiffy, but i'll do what i can to make sure i don't worsen my situation.

3) family+friends: this is probably the hardest for me, but the best thing i can do here is tend to my individual relationships with them
i have been really happy being back home with my family. me and my sisters have more in common now (jamie works, rachel's in college and busy like i was... lol). chris and all my closest friends are nearby. moving away again will be hard, but hey, ya'll should come visit me in yosemite. it's not a $600 RT plane-ticket. it's a camping trip. no more excuses.

so that's my fall line-up...

... so ... where is this "autumn in the heart" coming from. well, for me, i wouldn't characterize this part of my life or this year, as the happiest of times, but i'm doing what i can to bring those feelings back. i want to shed all the frustration, the grudges, the anger, the pain, the weight, the excess... i'm ready to scale back and work with what i've got. **more immediately, i need to bring order to a room that still contains boxes from moving back home after college, after seattle, and after toronto -- this could turn into a hoarders situation if i don't handle this now, lol.** i'm not shutting down my heart, not at all. just letting the old parts fall away so i can rest easy and continue to grow.

seasons change. people change.

i want to believe that this is just a phase.
i do believe that this is just a phase.
this is just a phase.

... and on the other hand, "Autumn in the Heart" is part of a 4-series Korean soap opera called "Endless Love". right now, it's a Korean-based Filipino soap opera on the GMA network, starring Dingdong Dantes (YAY!) and Marian Rivera (yeah...). Not to say that fantasy mirrors reality, but this soap has me hooked. And for all the wrong (eh... maybe right) reasons. Hot leading man. Drama drama drama. Hot leading man... sigh. It's just a soap. Here for just a season. Sigh...